The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
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advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?