*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.