[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute