deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
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My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”