This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.