“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.