[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
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When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I’m sorry…what?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
The absolute effort that went into this omg
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?