After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
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Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Brands during Pride
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.