ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
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That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Weighing up my bread heating options
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.