The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly