“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
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So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order