Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
What’s so funny?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis