[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
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I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
You know…for fall…
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.