Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
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I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.