FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.