a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
You Might Also Like
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
me linking you to my twitter
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Lube but for my dry humor.
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house