Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
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doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My work here is done
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh