Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
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[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania