I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
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me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind