My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
*feels the wind in my toe hair
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode