Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
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[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
The best shot in the history of golf
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.