I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
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I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Always the camel, never the toe.
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!