genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
In Canada they just call them geese
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”