synchronized noseblowing
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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Happy thanksgiving!
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.