getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
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Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House