I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
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[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.