[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
You Might Also Like
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I have never related to a cat more
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
True freaking story!
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks