[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[Walks in on girlfriend on death bed]
ME: [Crying] this can’t be happening
GRIM REAPER: Dude, I can explain. She totally came on to me
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home