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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
doing some research
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?