“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
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I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Hitlers gonna hitl
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich