[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.