My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
You Might Also Like
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan