Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey