Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
My current situation
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
this was the best i’ve ever seen
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.