A leaf blower, but for people.
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I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’m dying louder than usual today.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.