Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
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The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.