My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
crochet youtube is brutal