*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
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I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire