ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
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*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Sniffing the broccoli
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Never forget.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.: