What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
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Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Britain be like
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever