When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
You Might Also Like
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.