I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
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A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
What kind of a cult is this?
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired