You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
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A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I love you…
…r dog.
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits