dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Goat cheese is for herders.