The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
crochet youtube is brutal
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!