The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Her: I鈥檓 done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They鈥檒l be waiting at the door when you return.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can鈥檛 afford
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Sharon, call the vet
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can鈥檛 wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE鈥橵E EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!馃槃
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
If they shoot down another flying object I鈥檓 going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
My bf: can鈥檛 you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”