[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.