I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”