Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
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I was very concerned with my Grandma today
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’