*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
You Might Also Like
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.